Another year in reflection

Not surprisingly, I find myself sitting reflecting on the past twelve months on you guessed it, New Years Eve.

2018 has been interesting, challenging and joyful.  There has been some major shifts for me.

As mentioned in previous posts, I quit my not so great job in spectacular style and then threw myself out of a plane for good measure.

I found my work bliss in a job that I truly love, that challenges me and that offers rewards far greater than I imagined.

I ticked numerous items off my bucket list and started writing my new list

I reconnected with old friends who reminded me of who I am, and who that I forget that I am when everyday life is too busy.

I dabbled with dating, failing at it miserably, and gave myself permission to stop and just be.

I confronted some hard truths about myself and made conscious effort to be a better person both professionally and personally.

I was reminded by the most unlikely event that true connection with another person does still exist and that people can still surprise you in ways you least expect.

I learnt about myself through reading constantly, reflecting and absorbing what was around me and what I surrounded myself with.  And through this re-discovered my love of learning, reading and challenging my mind.

I experienced first hand a number of epiphanies – some beautiful, and some terrifying but all equally as important as each other.  And through this, confronted some things that I had long since shelved rather than facing.

I was reminded that as I had always believed, the universe has a reason for everything and that I have to just let it go.

I learnt that even though two people can collide into each other, being just what the other needs and inexplicably change things for the other for the better, that the universe will grab the opportunity to teach you that sometimes that just isn’t enough, that the timing is off or that it simply isn’t your path – which as frustrating as that can be, is a necessary lesson in patience and trust.

I witnessed that even in death there is a beauty and dignity and peace that can surround you and make the experience of losing someone truly beautiful in it’s tragedy.

The happiest of New Years to you all.

 

Bucket list update

Well hello……. fancy seeing you here – it’s only been WAYYYYYYYY tooo long

Okay so once again I have neglected my little writing outlet and find myself having to write ANOTHER big update post – seriously……

Since my last bucketlist post there have been several ticks gained – some small, some more sizeable.

So in quick summary – there has been

• Archery
• Art Galleries
• Cooking class
• Quitting the job that was killing me with stress and starting a job that I loved that doesn’t
• painting for the first time in years
• and the big one – all very last minute – skydiving.

It all started innocently enough, I was burnt out, used up and generally done with my job.  In a period of 10 months I had overseen the final construction and opening of four (yes four) early learning centres (child care) in the city I lived in.  To give you an idea, two were on either side of Melbourne and I was solely responsible for them – for recruiting 80 plus educators, for building brand awareness, manning expo stalls, tours, meetings, department licensing, budgets – you name it I was doing it.

It was a tough decision to leave but it became clear to me that my 16-18 hour days and at times working for up to 40 days without a day off (including weekends) would never be enough.  And that no matter how much I asked for help, that I was being left to do the job from being too efficient – “Nic will do it!”.

Which in hindsight leads me to the question – why do Hashi’s patients seem to be A type personalities that work too hard – we all know that stress is a hideous trigger for us lol

Anyhow, I quit – in spectacular style, and found myself a job where I still felt like I was helping centre managers but no longer had the fiscal responsibility and insane hours.  And I have my industry mentor to thank for that – she wisely said to me that the one thing she had learnt was if you do more than you are expected to do and do it extremely well, NO employer will ever say “hey, you busted a gut on that last project, you should take it easy this time”.  It was then I realised that I had set myself up (and if only I could do a crap job at stuff I would never be asked to keep doing extra – but we all know that that is a hilarious concept).

Anyway, I am tangenting again – that night, talking to my bucket list friend, she mentioned skydiving and in my bravado of someone who has just flippantly quit her job said “yeah let’s do that….. sometime” – next thing I now she tells me she had booked it and we were going…. that weekend.

So all week, I was (in Aussie terms) shitting bricks about the idea of throwing myself out of a perfectly good plane strapped to a perfectly good instructor.  I came up with a MILLION WAYS to get out of it but my friend in her wisdom was not having any of it.  The day of the jump was stunning, we were being bussed to Moorabbin airport and then skydiving over St Kilda beach – pretty special and it was a perfect clear sky (dammit!!!!).

I look like a blue oompah loompah!!!!!

Suiting up I started to get excited – and I cannot tell you why – it still baffles me but all the way to the plane I was practically bouncing in my seat.  And lucky me, I was closest to the open door!!!!! (until another jumper started to freak out and they had to shuffle me over).  I think that my instructor picked up on my excited mood and when we finally jumped, he threw us into a few somersaults on exit (and spiralled us into landing).

I was wahooooooooooing all the way down.  It was honestly the most amazing thing I have ever done and after this, I think I can do pretty much anything – except spiders – never spiders.

there’s nothing flattering about this but the verticle fringe is hilarious

Once the chute deployed (hooray) it was a lot more serene, just floating down and being able to just look around where we were descending to – St Kilda Beach… niccccccce.  When we did land, I was ready to go again!!!

My “perfectly good instructor’ deserved a hug…

So stay tuned….. it’s almost time for more bucket list ticks…….. and to update my list again!!!!!!

 

There is nothing fun about this…..the “joys” of an internal ultrasound

Okay boys/men, heed my words,  I recommend that you tune out about NOW because this post is going to have you rocking in the corner with your hands over your ears and lots of la-la-la-la’ing…..  Continue to read at your own peril.  This will also apply for anyone who finds this kinda stuff squeamish…. I have no filter.

I haven’t written for a while and I discovered I had a few draft posts sitting there for the past few years – yup it’s been that long.   And this, whilst written several years ago now, had me laughing remembering so thought it was still worth posting – so bear in mind this is OLD news.

I have back then been having some “issues” of the female kind and my lovely GP wanted to have a routine ultrasound done “just to rule out anything too serious”.  This was all fine… I was cool with this.   I mean it couldn’t be much worst than a pap smear surely….  And having had an external pelvic ultrasound before I was sure I would breeze through this.

Least.Fun.Ever.

Number one, they ask you to fill your bladder before hand – no worries, I expected this.  So, being the overachiever I am and a competitive thing, I drank two to three glasses more than they told me to in the hour leading up to the scan.  And then sat there, jiggling in my seat whilst I waited.

First they performed the external scan and whilst there was some minor discomfort when they pressed on my exceedingly full bladder, it was pretty uneventful.  Thankfully, the technician said the magic words “now go empty your bladder and I will…” (the second part of the sentence was a blur as I practically bulldozed the poor girl to the floor and bolted to the bathroom.  There are rumours of the sound of relieved sighs coming from the bathroom as I spent what seemed to be A LONG TIME emptying my bladder.  The sheer relief, the eyes rolling back into my head.

On my return to the table (and being propped up by what appeared to be a giant doorstop (wedge) to tilt my pelvis, she showed me the “wand” that she was going to insert to do the internal exam.  Now, this didn’t seem all that scary, it was quite comical really.  Then, after administering what appeared to be half a tube of lube onto the end (and I am thinking “honey, I am not the Sahara, seriously that’s overkill”) she warned me that it could be a bit cold and she was “going in”.

OHMYGOD – To say it was cold was an understatement.  There was a great deal of clenching as a reaction but okay, we got through the initial insertion just fine.  Then the probing began…  At first it was simply moving from side to side and whilst not the most comfortable thing in the world, it was so much less uncomfortable than a pap smear.The technician took a large number of photos and after a while, I noticed that I was starting to feel some pressure and a little discomfort.

It was at this point, that she asked me exactly how much water I had drunk.  I proudly stated that I had drunk seven glasses rather than four that they told me to and she laughed, “your bladder has filled up again completely already“.

Oops.  So off I went for my second empty (in a span of ten minutes).

It was then time to have a “closer look at my ovaries”.  Now, I fully expected these things to be shrivelled prunes by now as I am nearing 40, haven’t had any children and have a thyroid condition which stuffs all my hormones around constantly.  So when she started counting what she said were eggs, I got a little excited.  Okay, I ALMOST started making chicken noises…..  but I managed to stop myself in time.  I mean seriously, what was I expecting to be in that region?  Little minesweeper mines and smiley faces and flags??? (not that that image gives me the giggles – REALLY).

Til now, I was feeling quite good about all this.  Then the fun began.  The  “I need to get a closer look” or as I like to refer to it, “let’s use Nic’s ovary as a snooker ball and the wand as a pool cue” stage.  Imagine, one hand squishing your ovary from the outside and a diagonal “poking” internally at the same time.  WHO INVENTED THIS CRUELTY???

“You may feel some discomfort” (no shit Sherlock) as I contort on the bed…..  “That kinda hurts” A LOT!!!!!!!

Now people, the way to TRULY freak out your patient, is to then say “hmmmmm, I need to go get my boss to come and look at this” and leave the room for ten minutes……. Wow, my ovaries are SO special they need a larger audience – and of course, competitive Nic kicks in and thinks “DAMN STRAIGHT they deserve an audience”.

She returned, with her boss and another technician and huddled together in front of the screen talking in hushed voices.  Hating being left out I singsong’d “heyyyyyyyyy what’s going on in there”.  They assured me all was fine, and that my GP would discuss results with me – DUDE you have seen my inner most workings, can’t you throw me a bone???? or at least a vibrating ultrasound wand?

And as intense as it all was, I was then sent on my way.  Torn between “I have ovaries that require an audience” and “ohmygiddyaunt never again”.

Note – turns out they weren’t eggs….. my GP talked to me about my polycystic ovaries – “my what?”  – ” you know you have polycystic ovaries” “ummmmm I think I would have remembered that I did”.  Anyhow, turns out that even there I am an overacheiver – 11 cysts on one ovary!!!!!! GO OVARIES.

*****disclaimer – author does not in any way shape or form encourage readers to have the same warped view of their ovarian health and overacheivement.

Not This……

Every now and then, something strikes a chord with me.  I have long been a fan of Elizabeth Gilbert (she of Eat Pray Love fame) and have several quotes from the book on my whiteboard at home.

This particular post on her page was like a screaming “YES!!!!!!” moment to me.  Here was a perfect description of how I was feeling, what my head-voice was constantly telling me (which I am slowly getting better at listening to instead of ignoring) and pretty much my method of dealing with everything from work to my love life for the past twenty years.

And apparently, I am not alone in finding resonance in this.  Reading the comments following the post, a sea of “I am in tears as someone has finally expressed what I haven’t been able to” style comments followed.

“Not This“.

 

Dear Ones –…

Most of us, at some point in our lives (unless we have done everything perfectly…which is: nobody) will have to face a terrible moment in which we realize that we have somehow ended up in the wrong place — or at least, in a very bad place.

Maybe we will have to admit that we are in the wrong job. Or the wrong relationship. With the wrong people around us. Living in the wrong neighborhood. Acting out on the wrong behaviors. Using the wrong substances. Pretending to believe things that we no longer believe. Pretending to be something we were never meant to be.

This moment of realization is seldom fun. In fact, it’s usually terrifying.

I call this moment of realization: NOT THIS.

Because sometimes that’s all you know, at such a moment.

All you know is: NOT THIS.

Sometimes that’s all you CAN know.

All you know is that some deep life force within you is saying, NOT THIS, and it won’t be silenced.

Your body is saying: NOT THIS.   Your heart is saying: NOT THIS.   Your soul is saying: NOT THIS.

But your brain can’t bring itself to say “NOT THIS”, because that would cause a serious problem. The problem is: You don’t have a Plan B in place. This is the only life you have. This is the only job you have. This is the only spouse you have. This is the only house you have. Your brain says, “It may not be great, but we have to put up with it, because there are no other options.” You’re not sure how you got here — to this place of THIS — but you sure as hell don’t know how to get out…

So your brain says: “WE NEED TO KEEP PUTTING UP WITH THIS, BECAUSE THIS IS ALL WE HAVE.”

But still, beating like a quiet drum, your body and your heart and your soul keep saying: NOT THIS…NOT THIS…NOT THIS.

I think some of the bravest people I have ever met were people who had the courage to say the words, “NOT THIS” outloud — even before they had an alternative plan.

People who walked out of bad situations without knowing if there was a better situation on the horizon.

People who looked at the life they were in, and they said, “I don’t know what my life is supposed to be…but it’s NOT THIS.” And then they just…left.

I think my friend who walked out of a marriage after less than a year, and had to move back in with her mother (back into her childhood bedroom), and face the condemnation of the entire community while she slowly created a new life for herself. Everyone said, “If he’s not good enough for you, who will be?” She didn’t know. She didn’t know anything about what her life would look like now. But it started with her saying: NOT THIS.

I think of my friend who took her three young children away from a toxic marriage, despite that fact that her husband supported her and the kids financially…and the four of them (this woman and her three children) all slept in one bed together in a tiny studio apartment for a few years, while she struggled to build a new life. She was poor, she was scared, she was alone. But she had to listen to the voices within her that said, NOT THIS.

I think of friends who walked out of jobs — with no job waiting for them. Because they said NOT THIS.

I think of friends who quit school, rather than keep pretending that they cared about this field of study anymore. And yes, they lost the scholarship. And yes, they ended up working at a fast food restaurant, while everyone else was getting degrees. And yes, it took them a while to figure out where to go next. But there was a relief at last in just surrendering to the holy, non-negotiable truth of NOT THIS.

I think of friends who bravely walked into AA meetings and just fell apart in front of a room full of total strangers, and said, NOT THIS.

I think of a friend who pulled her children out of Sunday School in the middle of church one Sunday because she’d had it with the judgment and self-righteousness of this particular church. Yes, it was her community. Yes, it was her tribe. But she physically couldn’t be in that building anymore without feeling that she would explode. She didn’t know where she was going, spiritually or within her community, but she said, NOT THIS. And walked out.

Rationally, it’s crazy to abandon a perfectly good life (or at least a familiar life) in order to jump into a mystery. No sane person would advise you to make such a leap, with no Plan B in place. We are supposed to be careful. We are supposed to be prudent.

And yet….   And yet.

If you keep ignoring the voices within you that say NOT THIS, just because you don’t know what to do, instead…you may end up stuck in NOT THIS forever.

You don’t need to know where you are going to admit that where you are standing right now is wrong.

The bravest thing to say can be these two words.

What comes next?

I don’t know. You don’t know. Nobody knows. It might be worse. It might be better. But whatever it is…? It’s NOT THIS. 

 

#bucketlist17 – Eat Out Alone

Today was another chance to tackle two of my #bucketlist17 items – eat out alone /go out for breakfast more often.  And to ease into it, I picked a café I have been meaning to go to for a while – The Eastern Bloc in Coburg – mainly as my dear friend now works there.

The menu made it hard to choose one dish for breakky (to go with my awesome coffee made by dead-set spunk).  I settled for the Stirling’s Crush….. confit green peas, mint, coriander, feta and lemon – with a side of bacon…. because bacon……

Normally, I would never consider peas for breakfast, but I am now thinking that it is akin to genius.  It looked beautiful and the taste was even better!

Stirling’s Crush – a must-try from the menu

There were too many other items on the menu that I wanted to try for this to be an only-visit and that’s not even getting started on what goodies the display case held.

Definitely a new favourite place for coffee and brunch!!!!!!!  The hugs were an added bonus! And as for eating out alone – crushed it!

The Eastern Bloc is located at 133 Bell Street in Coburg – right near Coburg train station.

#bucketlist17 – first item ticked!

As part of my #bucketlist17, yesterday I ticked off my first item.

My friend (who is sharing some of the bucket list journey with me) had “go horse riding” on her list.  Horse riding is something I did when I was young whenever I had the chance and have only managed to go a handful of times as an adult.  My friend, however, had “never even touched a horse!”.

So this was our first item to tackle and it was perfect – a two-hour ride in the state forest about 80km outside of Melbourne with the chance to really let the horses have a bit of a run.  The novice LOVED it, once she got over her initial nerves.

 

Just a few shots from our ride – Ryders Horse Riding, Labertouche

 

It was a perfect way to kick off the list for me – I hadn’t realised how much I missed riding until now, and somehow I think it will be something that I will start doing more often.

This ride was through Ryders Horse Riding in Labertouche.  Our guides were lovely and they took the time to help the first-timers feel more relaxed and to allow the more experienced riders to have a bit more adventurous fun.

AND as an added bonus, we finished it off with a platter for lunch on the way home that filled the spot (and addressed another item from my list “eat out more often!”).

 

Tasting Board at Wheelers Hill Hotel

 

#bucketlist17

Another year has come and gone, in what seems like a blur of stress and work.  So much so that there were times I would wake up and have to lie there for several minutes to remember what day of the week it was and which place I had to be that day.

This is all because I have two, well really, three jobs and whilst two of them are meant to be part-time, they equate to trying to juggle two full-time jobs.  When I have time, I consult on the side.  Which means, I don’t sleep….. much at all lol.  Any spare time I have, I seem to end up cramming in extra work, or trying to squeeze in time with my friends.

I have promised myself that this year I would do more for myself.  And work on reducing to one role (which is slowly happening).  Talking to a friend recently, she shared a “bucket list” she was writing.  And so the #bucketlist17 was born.  Some of our list is shared, some are items for ourselves only but the idea is that this year, I will have some fun and remember who I am.

These are just a few of my items….. and the list is still in progress.

• Eat out alone / eat out more often
• Go horse riding (a shared item with my friend)
• Go to NZ (part of friend’s list item to bungee jump and no, I won’t be joining her on this one)
• Go to a shooting range (shared with friend who has “fire a gun” on her list)
• Go strawberry picking
• Indoor rock climbing
• Go bushwalking/hiking
• Reduce down to one job!
• Visit friends interstate and family

and many more………..

 

Brace Yourself….

As I am sure we all do, in times of rapid or stressful change, the most profound and reflective thinking seems to occur for me.

I find myself analysing things, looking inward and wanting to make sense of the whys, how’s and the general “how the hell?” moments that make up our busy lives.

I have been itching to get back behind the keys and to blog more, and lately, the stream of things/topics I want to write about is constant and almost avalanche like.  Perhaps it is one of those rapid change phases of my life but I almost don’t know where to begin.  Almost lol (as anyone who knows me can attest, I am rarely lost for words).

So bear with me, this may require several sittings, and will surely include plenty of musings and random 3am thoughts on my part.  I have recognised that I am wanting to get away from the recent blog posts of little other than reviews of great places I have been (and massive gaps in posts for more than a year at a time) and to start getting back to the nitty-gritty of my blog and why I started writing in the first place.  To share anything I find on Hashimoto’s/Fructose Malabsorption and other conditions and to share things that I have read, thought or seen that strike a chord with me.

I am resigned to the fact that at times I may feel like it is a little self-indulgent of me – predominantly because  I am good at sharing/talking about personal things on a general level, but hate exposing too much of the closer to the bone truth.  But hey, if I can’t be self-indulgent on my little blog, then where the hell can I be? I am sure that this will be interesting ……

Gratuitous Geek Reference

 

The Accidental Cat

It appears I am destined to be the lady with cats, the one that lives on her own and whose house is the one that the neighbourhood kids dare each other to go and knock on the door of before running away (Life Goals!)

Just when I thought things were perfectly manageable with two mental Devon Rexes (Marvin and Mabel) I accidentally got another cat.

I know, how do you accidentally get another cat?  Well, I happen to know a woman who breeds Peterbalds…. and they are relatively new to Australia and are the result of crossing a Donsky (Russian Sphynx) and an oriental shorthair.  And she was retiring two of her breeding queens, one of which ended up with my friend.  So of course, as soon as I saw her PB, I fell in love……….. and before I knew it, I was at the airport collecting the tiniest ball of fuzz with a rat type tail who would take over the house.

So this is Simi (short for Simples, like the Meercats in the Compare the Market ads here in Australia).  She is, to be honest, a complete antichrist of a cat.  She looks funny, she is the LOUDEST thing I have ever met, she rips open bags of bread if they are left out and eats her way through the whole loaf and has a purr that is a cross between a Velociraptor and Predator.  She has no concept of personal space, will not let me sleep (has to be ON my head swatting me to get attention) and is generally a challenge.

But I love her……. and she doesn’t take shit from anyone despite being half the size of her new siblings…… who are adjusting…. slowly…

So the house now contains a Trio of Terror………

 

Thinking about a Thermomix? I have succumbed….

I have been hearing the siren song of  Thermomix for some time.  I was always curious but had heard how much they retail for and dismissed it as I didn’t think I would use it enough.  Late last year, I asked my friend (who is a consultant) to come give me a demo.  And within the first ten minutes I had made my mind up, I had to have one.

Now, there are a list of reasons that people buy a Thermomix.  Some use them daily to cook  and/or prepare vast amounts of food with them when entertaining or for their children  but none of those reasons really applied to me.  However,  I hate cooking for myself and when you live on your own, you tend to open the fridge, stare at the contents and evaluate “can I be stuffed cooking?”.  More often than not, the answer for me is no and the results are toast for dinner (stop cringing Mum).  It became clear that purchasing a Thermomix would solve two problems for me.

1. It would inspire me to do big batch cooking, to freeze portions so that I always had healthy home cooked food on hand for when the answer to my question “can I be stuffed” would have normally resulted in toast for dinner.
2. I could make food that didn’t have hidden nasties in it that would set off my Fruct Mal.  Like my own concentrated vegetable stock paste, from scratch, in short amounts of time at the press of a button without evils like onion in it.

So when Trixie (as she has been named by my friends) arrived, I started my new love affair.  I don’t use Trixie everyday, in fact sometimes it’s once a week but I am loving being more creative and organised with my cooking.  And yes, these photos are things that I made!!!!!!!!! (not that I am proud or anything).

Berry Baked Cheesecake

Steamed Salmon with Dill & Lemon

Thai Inspired Sweet Potato & Bacon Soup

Yes, you will still need to use your oven on occasion.  And yes, it is expensive to purchase.  I was lucky to be able to take advantage of an interest-free offer and love that for a lot of the recipes that I create I DONT have to use any other appliance.  I can make custard in 10 minutes without stirring, I can chop 2 litres of veggies and herbs in seconds with the press of a button and anything that has inspired my lazy arse to cook again is worth every cent as far as I am concerned.

I will admit though, there have been moments when I look at Trixie and think “I don’t use it enough”.  But that’s normal apparently…. there are even sites dedicated to helping you fall back in love with your Thermomix (I kid you not, and they are GREAT sites – like this one here).  So when after the first month or so the initial shiny was wearing off the experience, I decided I would challenge myself to make things in the Varoma steamer (which I hadn’t used very much) and to make bread etc.  This helped a lot and got me inspired again.  The next phase for me is to purchase some new cookbooks to once again get inspired to try new things.

There are endless recipe forums, Facebook groups and blogs to keep you inspired – I highly recommend looking at them, joining in and asking questions.  If you are like I was, on the fence, and want to read more about other people’s experiences in purchasing a Thermomix there’s a great post here on Simply Nourishing about deciding whether a Thermomix is right for you.

And best of all, all of this cooking has meant I had to re-arrange and sort and label things in my pantry – so an additional win for OCD 🙂